18 October, 2008

I am a bridge burner by nature.
I think it is because I am self aware enough to realize I have a weakness for looking back over my shoulder at the things I wish I had done better / differently / not done at all.  I am self aware enough to see this, I guess, but not self disciplined enough to always stop.  So I remove the possibility of going backwards and so therefor try to motivate myself to move forwards.
I am a loner by nature.
I am not certain if that is how I was born or if it is how I became.  I can see the destructive influences in my earliest childhood relationships in the way I deal with things now.  In short, I probably still have mommy and daddy issues even though I am older than they were when they brought me into this world.  I am older than my father was when he left.  I am older than my mother was when she left.
All the time in the world has not made it to where I can say I know for a certainty, in my heart of hearts, that I am worthy of love.  I know in my brain.  I know in my heart.  But in that deepest part of me, in that little kid who I was thirty five years ago, I’m still not good enough.  And the little kid in me knows this because, if I was, then certainly someone should have loved me. 
The adult me can not seem to convince the child me that I misinterpreted the situation.  I never could listen to authority.
The lack of unconditional love in my life has had two conflicting results, it seems.  On one hand, I try really hard to be good enough to be loved.  It makes me generally a pretty good man and a pretty good mate.  I expect a lot from the people with whom I develop relationships, but I am willing to bring a lot to the table.  On the other hand, though, if I feel neglected, or I feel like I am being treated as though I am not good enough, I will end the relationship.  I would like to say I never look back, but of course I do.
That is why I burn the bridges.
In the end it won’t matter to me how much time or energy I have invested in the relationship.  While I do take it into consideration, I will not fall into the gambler’s fallacy of throwing good money after bad.  I do not believe that, given enough time, any relationship can be made to work.  I accept the possibility, of course, but I am not going to waste my time trying to find out.  There are some things that are just deal breakers.

Part of me looks at this type of behavior and shakes his head, because he knows that I am just exhibiting self destructive tendencies in order to fulfill my worst fear of not being good enough to have a lasting and healthy relationship. 
But the Fool in me insists that I have to give up the good in order to get the great.  He will not let me accept second best if I am willing to give my all.   He is always willing to shake the dust off His feet and move on to the next town.
I know that chasing perfection risks winding up alone.  I don’t know whether I am willing to do it because I am strong enough to be alone if I have to or I do it because I am too weak to stay in a relationship.  It might be that those are just two sides of the same coin. 
Heads you win, tails I lose. 
And though I don’t know precisely where the road will take me, I am willing to walk it.  I might not ever reach the end.  I might find myslef all alone in a dark alley wishing that I had taken another Path or stayed with someone who was good, even if not great. 
But I know one direction my road will not take me, and that is backwards.

Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose
–Janice Joplin, Me and Bobby McGee
I’ve always had to run
I don’t know just why
Desire slowly smoking
Under the midwest sky
There’s something waiting out there
That says I’ve got to try
I’ve been talking to my angel
And he said that it’s alright
This town thinks I’m crazy
They just think I’m strange
Sometimes they want to own me
Sometimes they wish I’d change
But I can feel the thunder
Underneath my feet
I sold my soul for freedom
It’s lonely but it’s sweet
Talking to My Angel, Melissa Etheridge

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