26 September, 2008


This has been a relatively good week, if I take everything into perspective.  The sun rose and I woke up every day.  That is much better than the alternative, I think.*
I have had many opportunities this week to feel less than adequate, mentally.  It is always hard for me.  I am not going to say that people have made me feel stupid, because I know only I can do that, but there are some personalities that I seem to clash with.
I work with one man from whom I must ask instructions often, and he is always very curt and gruff with me.  I try to repeat back to him what I think he has said so I can be sure I understand the procedure (active listening, right?) and he seems to snap at me; interrupting me to tell me how wrong I am instead of letting me finish to see if I have understood anything at all.  It makes me feel like he thinks I don’t understand anything and that he has to repeat everything from the beginning.  It is insulting and not an efficient method of instruction.
I have been in a class in which we were learning how to do some things with a command line interface which most of my coworkers have been doing with a GUI for quite some time.  The speed with which the information was presented made it somewhat difficult for me to follow, not because I couldn’t understand the terminology, but because I don’t yet have a good grasp of the big picture.  I always find it difficult to process details until I have a bird’s eye view of the problem.  I like to do the frame first when I build a jigsaw.  And I refer to the picture on the box often.
So, though I understand why it wasn’t clicking with me, it still left me feeling a little slow.  Though I know that Lloyd is like that with everyone, it still left me feeling like he thought I was stupid.
It is hard for me to feel stupid.  My ability to think and learn and communicate are the last things I have that I could point at and at which  I could say that I was consistently above average.  It helped me stave off the feelings of failure that I have accumulated in much of the rest of my life. 
I did make some breakthroughs in the things I was doing.  I had enough brilliant moments to be able to remember that I wasn’t stupid; I did enough good things to remember I wasn’t a failure.  I am not sure why this week felt harder than normal.  I am not sure why I dislike myself more or why I feel this futility.
I just know that I do.  And I find myself staring at it like some sort of alien life form that has infested my biosphere, because I know that it does not belong in my heart.  It is not natural. 
Dr. Temperance "Bones" Brennan: I don’t want to be the sexy science lady.Special Agent Seeley Booth: And I don’t want to be the sexy FBI guy, Bones.  But we can’t change who we are.
–Booth, Bones
How could you let them spy on me?
Well they were clever Leonard.  They exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.
–Sheldon, The Big Bang Theory

And you run and you run
To catch up with the sun
But it’s sinking

Time, Pink Floyd
*The thought of not waking up does not bother me.  Death holds no sting for me.  I figure there is more to my existence after this life.  I look forward to the next chapter.  Not so much that I want to skip ahead, mind you, but I won’t lament it when it comes. 
And, if I am wrong, and this life is all there is, then I will have no conscience with which to form regrets for the things I have not done, will I? 
Regrets come when we contemplate our mortality, not when we experience it.

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