12 September, 2008

Caveat Emptor

It has been brought to my attention that I am not as strong and gallant as I apparently make myself out to be in the way I write. I thought it would be evident in my words that I do not think I am either of those things.  I try to focus on the positive, but that doesn’t mean I am not weak.  That doesn’t mean I don’t whine.  That doesn’t mean I have never been dishonorable.
I am far from perfect.  I make a lot of mistakes.  I get pissed off.  I have even been known to be mean and say hateful things to those I care about.
I have lived a lifetime filled with foolish mistakes.  Worse, yet, are the things I did that I knew were wrong, or at least should have known.  I have hurt and abandoned people who counted on me.  I have burned most every bridge I have ever walked across and let the ones I did not char fall into disrepair through wilful negligence. 
I thought I had made this clear often enough.  I hope I am not coming across as someone who is trying to convince others that I am a great man, for I am not a great man.
I am human.  I am far from the best human.  Ghandi, Lincoln, Siddhartha, Einstein.  All these men were far greater than me.
However, these men are dead, and I am still alive, and so I shall try to live my life better tomorrow than I did yesterday.  I may never be as great as they in my future, but I don’t have to be as pitiful as I was in my past.  I am filled with remorse, bitterness and anger at my past, but I feel that I had embraced those emotions adequately in my early writing.  I no longer choose to do so.
I am certain that there is a bit of self affirmation occuring in my writing.  I am sure that I do use it to remind myself that I am not a worthless chunk of carbon that has no business still taking air.  I use it to counterbalance my self loathing.  I use it to fuel my drive to be better tomorrow.
Therefor, if I have inadvertently fooled anyone into thinking that I was (or that I felt I was) even close to perfect, I do apologize.  I do not think I am. 
But I do aspire to be.
The truth is that there is nothing noble in being superior to somebody else. The only real nobility is in being superior to your former self.
—Whitney Young
 I’m caught in a cross fire
 That I don’t understand
 But there’s one thing I know for sure girl
 I don’t give a damn
 For the same old played out scenes
 I don’t give a damn
 For just the in betweens
 Honey, I want the heart, I want the soul
 I want control right now
 Talk about a dream
 Try to make it real
 You wake up in the night
 With a fear so real
 Spend your life waiting
 For a moment that just don’t come
 Well, don’t waste your time waiting

Badlands, Bruce Springsteen 

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