01 August, 2008

Every success is built upon the willingness and the ability to
do better than good enough.
–unknown
When danger reared it’s ugly head
He bravely turned his tail and fled. (No!)
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about (I didn’t)
And gallantly, he chickened out.
        The Ballad of Sir Robin, Monty Python

If I’m honest, I am getting pretty nervous about going to work. I mean, I am excited and all, and the money will certainly come in handy, but I am still shaky. I have never really had a civilian job.
I worked for Home Depot for about three weeks after I moved to Independence after they retired me. I was still kind of fucked in the head, though, and I quit. I might try to sell myself the idea that I just wanted to be able to quit somewhere, but really I just stopped going to work. I didn’t really plan on quitting when I got the job. I hit a wall and I just didn’t leave the house for about two weeks. In Missouri, a right to work state, that is equivalent to quitting. Any place else would have fired my ass. And I didn’t care, at the time.
I used to get in these zones where nothing mattered. I really didn’t care about the big picture at all. I still ate and took care of myself, because it isn’t that I want to die. It is just that I don’t give a shit about anything.
I felt that I had lost everything; everything that I believed in turned out to be a lie. And in comparison to everything I have done and all the sacrifices I have made for an idea that was false, I have difficulty mustering the desire to do anything else.
But I desire less the thought of giving up.
So I trudge on. 
Uh, trudging.  You know trudging?  The slow, weary, depressing yet determined walk of a man who has nothing left in life except the impulse to simply soldier on.  --Chaucer, A Knight's Tale
I tried to find something that would keep me fascinated, that would allow me to use my brain in a good way. I thought maybe if I kept my brain occupied it wouldn’t go down old paths and get me into trouble again. I know it is my fault that I get the way I do. I don’t blame the world for my defects. It is up to me to learn how to deal with it.
But now that I have thrown everything away that I had built in Rolla to come down here, and I start work in two weeks, I am getting nervous. I don’t feel like I know enough yet. They said they would train me, but what if I am not good enough?
I am afraid they will find out I am not as smart as they thought I would be. I am nervous about having to report to work at a specific time. I skipped classes if I didn’t feel like going to them. Not many, but enough to know that I still had issues. But work is not the same as school. Only my marks get hurt if I missed classes.
I feel kind of pussified. I am more nervous now competing against all these other interns that I was when I first started going to school. School wasn’t really a competition, but work will be. Work always has been. I have never competed in anything not military related for the last 20 years. Well, I did enter the writing contest…
I can’t let myself get bogged down in my discomfort, I know. I just have to keep at it. I tell myself it is ok to be nervous, but I can’t let it get to me.
I may not succeed, even if I try my best, but I know I will not succeed if I do not try.
But it’s still scary.

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