11 February, 2004

Mechwarriors of emotion

I said: “What is wrong?”
She said: “Oh, nothing.”
Bullshit, she was fueling a MechWarrior, for sure. I knew this, like I knew the sun would rise.
This is not a current phenomenon in my life, it was in the past. I know the symptoms, now, and I kill the Mechs as I see them appear. If I can catch em; they’re sneaky little bastards. Insidious and pernicious; they latch on to the littlest things and thrive on unfocused Energy and unfounded and unspoken accusations; their life blood is the little white lie; their Manna is ‘sacrifice’, their neighborhood is resentment, their battlecry is, “If they loved me they’d…[insert unspoken need here]”
OK, so I play a lot of video games. But that is what them little fuckers are, and they take on a life of their own, I swear it to Dyonesius. Mechwarriors, if you don’t know the game, are cybernetic organisms that enhance physical abilities past their normal human range. You wear them like a suit. I think that we have an emotional construct that does much the same thing.
Ever notice that an unresolved issue takes on a life of it’s own? Like for some reason you react more strongly to something than it seems reasonable to? Ever notice someone else do the same thing? (this is more likely for us to notice)
This is the Mech at work.
Every time we, for some reason, (usually labeled as ‘being the bigger person’ or ‘compromise’, or ‘life sucks’), give in to a situation without being completely behind our decision, we fuel the Mech.
Life does suck. Embrace the suck. Otherwise, fight it. That is my motto. I can yell at the rain, or I can Dance. I choose to Dance.
But I care less if an Other fights with the rain. It affects me (and let me be honest, that is what I really care about) when they harbor resentments (whether acknowledged or not) against me. Sooner or later, I will be facing a loaded Uzi because i left the friggin cap off the toothpaste. That is unacceptable to me.
I am not the rain, I can change. I might not. I might be the stubborn son of a bitch it is assumed I am. But give me a chance to be stubborn. Don’t decide how i will react, censor me or censor you, and then resent me for acting in the way you merely assume I will. Do not decide that I do not need to know, and then resent me for not knowing.
It is such a simple thing to speak clearly and plainly ones needs. It is such a simple thing to speak clearly and plainly ones emotions. Emotions just are, they are not right or wrong. I am wrong to judge your emotions; I know this. I try not to. But how can I help it if all that is ever given to me to judge by are your emotions?
All I ask is that emotions not be used as argument; they can give weight to argument, yes. But they cannot be the deciding factor, unless everything else is equal. Tell me your needs; I love you, I shall try to meet them. Judge me on my actions; judge my actions by what you have asked for. Have I fulfilled the missions you set out for me? I cannot read minds. I refuse to try.
If I give you tools to overcome my failings (I have many)(remember the sign I gave you to shut me up? It is magick; I have given you power over me; why do you blame me if you do not use the tools I give? What more can I do?), do not resent me if you choose not to use them. It is not important to me to shut up; but I know it is important to you that I shut up when you wish to speak; that is why I gave you Power. I have no wish to drown you out; but I do wish to prove my points. The only thing I know to do is to give you keys.
You, my Love, must use them. I am not likely to. I shall merely continue to be me. I shall not change unless you add your Energy to the effort.
I have a name for it, now. I can kill it. Do not bring your Mechs against me; come alone.

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