25 November, 2003

Adam, the father of all chauvinism

Disclaimer: This story is interpretive. Though there is a basis in literature, it is based primarily on my research and sociological experiences, and is of course filtered through my world view. The characters in this story are a work of fiction. Any similarity to any persons, living or dead, or born again, is strictly coincidental. Offer void where prohibited.
When we left our heroine, she had fallen from the good graces of Adam.
Adam was the kind of guy who would tell you his woman didn’t need a watch because there was a clock on the stove. How many guys like Adam does it take to open a beer? None, it should be open when Eve brings it to him. And sadly, since so many guys from places like Brazil or who just think it is ok to slap your woman around a bit or a bit more to straighten her out if she gets out of line or otherwise pisses you off, {you sorry pieces of dung beetle vomit, the lowest depths of the most sadistic catholic church’s version of hell is reserved for people like you *spits*} , what does Adam tell a woman with two black eyes? Nothing, he done told her twice.
Adam was a chauvinist, he looked at women as property. Only someone who looks at women as property could ever beat them. Hell, I don’t even beat my dogs, couldn’t beat my cat if I tried cause they are quicker than me. How does someone beat something as precious as a woman? What sort of sick fucking world is it when this marvel of Creation is beaten and abused by the people who SHOULD be most grateful for her existence? People like Adam are reasons why people like Cain kill their brother over some petty shit. Come to think of it, what sort of sick fucking concept of deity is it that would disparage the gift of one child over another? And Yahweh is supposed to be the father of all Creation? FUCK Yahweh, even I am smart enough to know that if I show more attention to one than I do the other, it would encourage sibling rivalry. Can any one out there look me in the eye and tell me that GOD DIDN’T KNOW THAT? Tell me that he did not consider the consequences of having your freaking GOD pick your brother over you? What a dipshit, he was more like the psycho uncle that tortured you mercilessly to get back at his big brother vicariously.
If you are reading this and you are a Christian, I mean no offense to you. If your faith makes you a better person, you are the better to follow it. I am just saying it doesn’t make sense to me, not saying you chose to follow a stupid faith that makes no sense if given any real thought. I am not saying you are sheep, and lazy at that for wanting to choose a religion that didn’t even require you to WORK for salvation. Like fast food salvation, offer your dignity and individuality and concept of what is real and what is make believe at the first window and pick up your halo at the second window hallelujah can I get an AMEN!
However, if you were offended and are still reading, you didn’t read my disclaimer. Tough, you can’t sue, you’ll just have to deal with being offended. If I make one person think out of the thousands tens that read me and may get offended, I have made the world a better place. And if you are offended, and yet you still read, you have to ask yourself WHY?
I am never offended, except when a foolish argument is given for doing anything. Top two dipshit answers are ‘Cause the Bible says to’ and ’cause that’s the way it’s always been done.’
But I digress…this is about Lilith’s joke on Adam, the original Chauvinist Pig (maybe that’s why pork is unclean…)
Adam casts out Lilith because she was told she got half by god, and Adam didn’t like the prenup, so he bailed. Plus, Lilith wanted to be on top ALL THE TIME, like in that movie, and it hurt his male itty bitty ego. Freud forgot one. It is actually Id, Ego, Superego, and Penisego. Perhaps penis envy could be listed there, but I think not…anyway, on with the rant.
It is quite possible, however, that Adam was just moving on, much like everyone will like the tramp, but no one will marry her. *See In Praise of the Slitches, coming soon to a theater near you, if your theater lets you log on to this site, anyway.* I imagine his conversation to be something like this:
Well, god just promoted me to the head position of the new Garden that they put in. It is time to settle down, get me a nice girl I can take home to momma, take care of the house and kids n stuff. Can’t be seen with a little tramp like Lilith, wouldn’t seem right. She’ll probably start making suggestions around the garden or something stupid like that; she can be so annoying. She sure is a wildcat in bed though. Gonna miss tappin that ass. Oh well, time to ask for a permanent model, maybe with an interface that is a bit more docile. Then I can always make the booty call. Ah, life is good
So Adam casts out Lilith and petitions god to make him a more sheepish version of the Goddess incarnate (all Hail Women!) Enter Eve.
Now, Eve was your standard 1910’s housewife, docile and unaware of what women of post WW1 America knew, that women could do the job of any man. But, like many June Cleaver’s, she got restless when there was no excitement in her life. No sex, except maybe when the Swimsuit issue came out, and even then, blech…
But the garden was beautiful, so she would wander through it, enjoying the scent and sounds and sunlight. She like to sunbathe, in the nude, of course, but didn’t like Adam to ogle her. He thought just cause she was naked, or walking a certain way, that she was inviting sexual interludes. The dude did just not respect the barnyard dance. He was so busy dominating the animals and the planet he never saw what it could teach him. Did I mention he was a fool as well as a chauvinist?
So, to ensure her privacy, she would sunbathe down by that Tree that god had said was taboo. Adam was such a chicken shit to approach a taboo subject that he didn’t even go near that part of the garden, preferring his blissful ignorance to the birth pains of a new idea. She could lay in the grass and adore the suns caresses on her skin. She must have looked lovely, a picture of innocence, the fruit ripe for the taking, the snow still pristine. Britney Spears but before there were Catholics, ya get the picture.
Enter Lilith. Two possible reasons Lilith could have gone after Eve the way that she did. Could be one, both, or something I haven’t figured out. The way I see it, Lilith was going to get back at Adam for kicking her to the curb. I mean, she probably even gave him oral sex (gasp!) when he was feeling tired after a long day of worshiping at god’s feet. And, not altogether outside the realm of possibilities, she was just wandering around and happened to see Eve there. Maybe she had taken to accidentally be there when Eve would like to sunbathe. Either way, I am sure she found Eve to be a delectable morsel too tempting to resist. If I understand Lilith like I think I do, Lilith was just too sensual to pass up a chance to get some lovin in. Maybe she and Eve became friends at a book burning or something, I wasn’t there. Lilith had a sense of irony and scathing wit that she saw the humor in beating Adam at his own game.

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